Give
by OpheliacAngel
Summary: I cried so long and hard last night, cried when I was writing this too. But at least I am back into Destiel, and I do truly hope that you enjoy this, because it came straight from my heart. Dean's thoughts on Castiel. Spoilers for Season 7. Destiel.


**Give**

"I will make amends, Dean."

Dean doesn't know just how exactly he'll be able to do that, can't even think of one thing, let alone the millions of things it's going to take to make up for this. But the way Castiel says it, the way the words feel to the human, is eternal and meaningful and so believable that Dean finds himself being sucked in instantly after they're uttered.

He wants to believe Cas, even though there's this underlying feeling in his gut that tells him it's not over yet, the sacrifices they've all made are about to be duplicated, tripled. Dean knows it's reasonable to think this, that Winchester luck is the worst. They never cut a break and why should they now?

He wants to believe there's a way to erase all this, to go back and start again, where Castiel was a part of their team.

A friend.

A brother.

A lover?

The one thing Dean wants to say to the angel is that he's proud of him, so proud that he came out of the darkness and back into the light, that he came to his senses and realized just what and who was really important. Castiel made a mistake, and even though it's hardly forgivable, it's still a mistake, still the little thing, or rather huge thing, that everyone in the universe makes.

Castiel's words don't seem to take hold of him like he wants them to, his amends, apologies aren't good enough, aren't strong enough. Because he let the Winchesters down, he let Dean down.

He broke Dean's heart, and maybe that was why he gave up on Castiel so soon, because his heart just couldn't take anymore. Couldn't forgive him for that.

But his Cas was back, his Cas was fighting, his Cas was alive and trying to make something good out of all the misery and destruction he had caused in such a short period of time.

And Dean Winchester would be damned if that didn't mean something to him.

Castiel saved him once, twice, so many times he's lost count, and Dean hasn't repaid the favor nearly enough. He knows this, is ashamed of this, ready to do something about this. And if it's too late now, like he thinks it is, like the monster is telling him it is, he doesn't know how he'll be able to live with himself ever again.

"I'm sorry, Dean."

He wants to pull the angel towards him when he says that, get him away from the line of fire, from what Cas is doing for all of them, for him, and he wants to hold him tight, tighter, and make sure that he never lets go again. Thoughts are rolling around in his mind, screaming at him to not let Castiel do this, because it will be the death of him.

But does he listen to this voice? No. He lets Castiel go again, puts the world and what's right above his angel, who needs him, who has always needed him. He was just too pigheaded, too stupid to listen, to understand, to help Cas get through whatever the hell he was going through and just simply be there for him.

He was too ignorant, backed out too soon, didn't try hard enough, couldn't get past the idea that Castiel had betrayed him to get to the real message, the real thing that was at stake here. It was simple, everything was simple from the start. Castiel had done everything with Dean in mind. Had done it all for Dean, because of Dean. The human couldn't see that, becoming blind with the lifelong effort of protecting Sam.

He should have gotten inside his head, made him see that Dean still cared about him. It was just too hard to show, too hard to make Castiel understand that he still loves him after all he's done. That after Dean Winchester sets the world right again he'll focus on the one angel who's always been there for him. Always.

He should have pulled him away, should have held him, felt him beneath his hands, in his arms, that familiar trench coat that screamed his Cas. He should have told him he cared about him, loved him, that it wasn't only his fault but both of theirs. He should have listened to the words Castiel was saying through it all, should have taken acknowledge of how his heart beat furiously loud and fast when the angel said he would make amends.

Dean should have kissed him with every breath he had left in him, with all the forgiveness that was always meant to be given to Cas, with all the raw need and want and apology that he was too selfish, too stubborn to give.

But as he felt Castiel back away, heard the words that confirmed this was far from over, far from done, he wanted to curl into a little ball and cry. Instead, he forced himself to hold back and stop himself from grabbing Cas and telling him he was going down with him. That the angel wasn't in this alone anymore.

And as he watched the monster, that thing take hold of the one thing he cared about most, the one person he let down, let get sucked down into this doom, he hated himself, for the part he had played in this. For doing nothing, nothing at all.

Watching his Cas, standing before him, covered in blood, screaming at Dean to get away, to leave, to run. Dean couldn't do any of that. He just stood there, watching the monster take hold of Cas, with no hope of ever giving him back, bewildered and shocked and nearly in tears.

He couldn't even feel the pain, the shock exploding within him when he was thrown.

_I'm sorry too, Cas. _

Dean Winchester didn't care about any of it anymore, couldn't feel the pain because it was in the back of his mind. Now he wasn't hurt from all the angel had done, he was panicking, freaking out, trying to think about how he could fix this situation. Go back to the way it was before.

All he cared about was that angel he had known for so long. They had been through so much together, seen so much, bled so much, struggled to stay together throughout it all. And just when he thought he was getting that angel back, it turned out he was dead wrong. Being ripped away from him the second time was far more painful than he could bear. The worst feeling in the world, the most terrible thing to see take place before his very eyes.

He knew this was only his fault.

_Don't take my Cas away from me again. Don't you dare. _

_Because I will fight you, I will defeat you. I will kill you. _

_And Cas? If you're in there I'm sorry. _

_Sorry for not trying harder, for not being there when you needed me the most. _

_But I want you to know that I'm not giving up on you now. Never again. _

_Because that's not what friends, brothers, __**lovers**__, do. _

_I'm coming back to you._

Because while the monster was in charge now, he knew Castiel was in there somewhere, waiting for Dean, praying for Dean to come save him. And Dean wasn't in a mood to disappoint him tonight, after Castiel had come back to him, fought to reverse it all, was seconds away from telling him he loved him. He wasn't about to let those unspoken words slide, he was about to give his appreciation, get him out of there so he could persuade him to say the words he had been milliseconds away from speaking.

"I'm coming, Cas. It's my turn to give."

**FIN**


End file.
